Black Thursday Page 12

  A woman wearing the dark green blazer bearing the SHVM crest that signified her position as the new mall manager stood off to the side of the altar. She smiled and blew a kiss to the happy couple.

  “Higgledy and Birdie, despite your individual differences, you share love, loyalty, and trust, which are the foundations of a lasting and happy union …”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a look of what seemed to be consternation cross Joyce’s tight face.

  “And with your commitment, trust, and uncanny ability to communicate with each other, I know your life together will be full of joy, satisfaction, and peace.”

  “Frank …” Joyce whispered under her breath and into my ear.

  I held mine, dreading what was coming next.

  “Who brings this monkey to be given into this union?” Mr. Piggledy asked.

  “I do,” Mrs. Piggledy said, her wheelchair beside Higgledy.

  “And who brings this bird to be given into this union?

  “I do,” said Pete from Pet Pals.

  “I don’t believe what an absolute dumb shit he was,” Joyce whispered in my ear.

  Had I’d really just heard Joyce, who never swore, utter such a pointed slur (no matter how accurate) about the Michaels family pride and joy? “Did you just call Frank a—”

  “Marriage is the magic of two hearts joining as one,” Mr. Piggledy continued. “It creates a new light and space within which you both will live beyond your soon-to-be-shared cage …”

  I couldn’t believe I’d spent the better part of a week trying to avoid being alone with Joyce, anticipating what she might say in defense of her wayward son and what I might say in response, only to have her come out and completely bash him during a wedding.

  Mr. Piggledy turned to the candelabra behind him. “Higgledy and Birdie, the two candles now lit before you symbolize each of you individually. The larger candle, still unlit, is to symbolize your unique union.”

  At Mr. Piggledy’s cue, Higgledy climbed into Mrs. Piggledy’s lap and Birdie hopped back onto Pete’s shoulder. Pete pushed the flower-covered wheelchair over to the candelabra.

  “Fire! Fire!” the bird said in her guttural, pre-recorded-sounding avian voice and flapped her wings.

  A charmed ahhh went through the crowd as Higgledy slipped a comforting arm around his bride-to-be.

  “May the eternal flame of your love continue to burn brightly for as long as you both shall live,” Mr. Piggledy said.

  “You know Frank cries to Barb on a regular basis?” Joyce whispered as Mrs. Piggledy and Pete helped their respective pets light the unity candle. “And he must be a glutton for punishment, because she does nothing but assure him he’s getting what he deserves.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” I finally said, as Pete and Mrs. Piggledy returned to their sides of the aisle and a salesgirl I recognized from Whimsey’s Accessories stood and made her way to the microphone.

  “I didn’t know what to say when my darling Gerald stepped off the curb, either.”

  My heart, already thumping, began to pound in my chest. “What?!”

  “Dear,” Joyce said in a tone that was equal parts comforting and condescending, “they all do it at one time or another.”

  I glanced back at a blissfully unaware Gerald, who, despite his present mild senility, had been as upright and respectable as he’d been handsome and dashing.

  The salesgirl began to belt out an a cappella version of Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together.”

  “Men will be men,” Joyce added, smiling in her husband’s direction. “Let’s face it. They’re just weak at their core.”

  “But …” I finally managed despite feeling like my mouth dried shut.

  “But you’ve certainly been playing it just right.”

  “Joyce,” I whispered, “I haven’t been ‘playing it’ at all.”

  “Kicking him to the curb without kicking him out of the house so he’d see what he’d soon be missing forever was brilliant.” She patted my knee lightly. “I’ve never seen that boy so utterly down and out.”

  I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t really just having a dream in which my cheating husband’s mother bad-mouthed her son at the commitment ceremony of a primate and a tropical bird. “Given our finances, it wasn’t like I’ve had a whole lot of choice in the matter,” I whispered, feeling the sting from my own pinch.

  “You certainly do now.”

  “Meaning what?”

  The song ended, the salesgirl returned to her seat in the front row, and Mr. Piggledy returned to the makeshift pulpit.

  “Higgledy, do you take this bird to be your partner, to share your life openly with her, to love, honor, and comfort her, in sickness and in health for all time?”

  Higgledy hopped up and down and emitted an undeniably affirmative hoo-hoo.

  “Birdie do you take Higgledy to be your partner, to stand beside you always, in celebration and sadness, for richer and for poorer, to love and to cherish, for now and forevermore? If so, say I do.”

  “I do,” she mimicked.

  “I love you both,” Joyce whispered. “And I want what’s best for everyone.”

  “Which is what?” I asked, more confused than I’d been in months.

  “The giving and receiving of rings symbolizes our love for one another, which like the circle, knows no end, but given the unique nature of our ceremony—and something of a tendency for escape on the part of both of our participants—we’ve opted for matching tracking bracelets.”

  A man wearing a veterinarian’s lab coat stood and approached the altar bearing a pillow with two animal tracking devices.

  Joyce flashed the giant marquis diamond I remembered Gerald giving her for their thirty-fifth anniversary. “It was well worth the temporary trauma.”

  “Temporary trauma?” I heard myself repeat as the veterinarian began to affix the bracelets onto the ankles of Higgledy and then Birdie. “You got that ring as an apology gift?”

  “Not to mention my convertible, a pair of opal earrings, the condo in Palm Springs, and our annual Thanksgiving cruise,” she said. “All of which have given me great satisfaction over the years.”

  “Higgledy and Birdie, please face each other.”

  Since they couldn’t exactly take each other’s hands, Higgledy grasped the edges of Birdie’s wings.

  “Oh Lord, give Higgledy and Birdie the willingness and patience to fulfill their commitments to one another and fill them with freedom and happiness even while sharing cages.”

  He turned to the audience.

  “Will each of you do all that is in your power to encourage them in their commitment and to support them in the promises that they make here today? If so, please indicate by saying we will.”

  “We will,” the audience said in unison.

  “You have Frank over a barrel,” Joyce whispered.

  “May this day shine forever in your lives. May you give cheer and strength to each other. May your life together be a source of inspiration to yourselves, your families, your friends, and to all whose lives you touch.”

  “This is no time for a divorce,” she continued quietly.

  “With the promises they have made to one another, and by the power of their love, I now pronounce Higgledy and Birdie to be joined in spiritual union. You may kiss the bride.”

  “Kiss! Kiss!” Birdie said.

  The crowd was already clapping and hooting as Higgledy leaned in and planted a wet one on Birdie’s beak.

  Mr. Piggledy beamed. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to be the first to introduce Mr. and Mrs. Higgledy and Birdie Piggledy!”

  _____

  “Are you all right, dear?” Mr. Piggledy asked as I made my way through the receiving line and stopped to give him a congratulatory hug.

  “You look pale,” Mrs. P
iggledy said from beside him. “Maybe you should sit down.”

  “I’m fine.” That was, if being downright shell-shocked and numb was fine. I leaned down to hug her. “I’m just glad you’re okay. The ceremony was amazing.”

  “Wasn’t it?” She gazing admiringly at Mr. Piggledy. “Went off without a hitch even with my bad wheel.”

  Mr. Piggledy beamed. “If I learned anything in my years at the circus, it’s to expect and be prepared for the unexpected.”

  I grabbed a plastic pineapple from a passing waiter with a drink tray and toasted that thought by sucking down the tropical, rum-infused concoction.

  Gerald led Joyce out to the dance floor and they began to tango together in what seemed to be perfect step.

  What if Frank was, as she said, over a barrel and guaranteed to behave as long as we both shall live? Would it be easier to stay married knowing I had a new, improved version of the man I’d fallen in love with rather than face an unknown single future?

  The rest of the evening was a blur of music, rum drinks, jungle-themed appetizers, and small talk.

  That was, until everyone gathered to watch Birdie climb onto Higgledy’s shoulder, and with the help of Pete and Mr. Piggledy, cut the cake.

  And Barb appeared out of nowhere beside me.

  “You okay?” she asked, as Birdie pecked lovingly at the first piece in Higgledy’s outstretched hand.

  “Fine,” I said, adding, “I hear the cake is supposed to be fantastic. Banana chocolate chip with banana filling.”

  “I can’t wait to try some,” she said spinning around to face me. “And, by the way, I know you’re not okay.”

  I grabbed another beverage from a passing waiter. “Why’s that?”

  “I know my mother got to you.”

  “Got to me?”

  Barb looked into my eyes. “Definitely.”

  All I could think to do was take a nonchalant gulp of my drink.

  “I’m not sure why she decided she needed to lay it all on you in the middle of a wedding.” Barb shook her head. “But I suppose time is of the essence.”

  “She told you she was going to talk to me?” I asked, not even attempting to mask the incredulity in my voice.

  “I could tell just by looking at your reaction as she whispered into your ear during the ceremony.”

  “And you also know what she told me?” I asked, locating the nearest restroom since throwing up suddenly seemed to be in the realm of possibility.

  “I’m guessing men will be men and temporary trauma ring some bells.”

  “I just can’t believe she—”

  “Told you about Dad’s indiscretions, or that she told me?”

  “Either.” My voice cracked. “Both.”

  “Believe me, I was more than a little shocked to find out that Dad …” She hung her head for a second as if to regain her composure. “But I really wished I’d listened to her and not gotten divorced myself.”

  “Your husband was playing around?”

  “As she said, they all do. Although I can’t say if that’s why Craig got divorced, for the record.” She sighed. “But I should have just let him know he’d best keep it in his pants, and then forgiven him.”

  “But—”

  “I could have reaped the spoils like Mom did.” She looked over at the dance floor where her young daughters were clustered together on the sidelines. “And the kids wouldn’t have suffered nearly as much.”

  “At least my kids are older,” I said, which sounded weak even to me. The truth was, a single day didn’t go by where I didn’t wonder if they were doing okay with all the upheaval, past and future.

  “Maddie, Frank acted like a royal turd, but he does love you and your kids more than anything.” Barb said. “When you think about it, it’s not the worst idea in the world to let him keep proving it to you over and over.”

  I shook my head. “This is all so—”

  “Anti-feminist and hard to swallow?”

  “For starters.” I took a deep breath. “Even if I could see myself forgiving or at least moving on with Frank, this whole notion of him showering me with guilt gifts for the rest of our lives is not only a little hard to fathom, it’s hardly an option given our current—”

  “Current being the key word,” she broke in.

  “Meaning what?” I asked.

  “My brother seems to have a way of always landing on his feet, is all.”

  “Maddie!” Eloise appeared in front of us, pointed to her cell phone, and sighed dramatically. “It’s like almost nine and if I don’t get out of here in the next half-hour, I’ll miss everything and then I leave tomorrow and I will hardly have gotten to hang out with my friends this break and then we’ll probably be moving by the time I come home again and—”

  “I’m pretty much ready to go,” I said.

  “I’m ready now,” Barb said. “I’ll grab the girls. If you can drop us off, you’ll have the car and everyone else can say their goodbyes and come home in the rental car without rushing.”

  “You don’t mind?” I asked.

  “My feet are killing me and it’s already way past their bedtime.”

  “Thanks, Aunt Barb,” Eloise said to both of us as I tossed her my keys.

  “No problem.” Barb winked. Before she headed over to corral her girls, she whispered into my ear, “And don’t cause yourself any more problems when you don’t have to.”

  _____

  It turned out everyone else was ready to leave anyway, which was great, as my feet were also killing me by the time we started across the mall toward the second car. Not to mention my head.

  “Cool wedding,” Trent said.

  “Commitment ceremony,” FJ said. “Animals, particularly those of two different species, don’t exactly have equal rights under the law.”

  “Do you think they should?” I asked, tongue-in-cheek, of course, but with a mind toward FJ, who’d always had a generally more sensitive nature.

  He shrugged. “If you want to get married, you should be able to get married.”

  “Especially if you’re going to have a wedding like that,” Trent said. “The mall chicks were hot and those rainforest-themed appetizers rocked.”

  “The deviled eggs with the seeds or whatever on them were really good,” FJ said.

  “So were the fried bananas.”

  “I have a question,” I said as Gerald and Joyce strolled ahead of us, hand-in hand and just out of hearing range. “About the opposite of marriage.”

  “Oh jeez,” Trent said. “Here it comes.”

  “Seriously,” I swallowed hard. “How do you guys feel like you’re holding up in all this?”

  “Well,” FJ said. “This divorce thing totally sucks.”

  “I’ll admit I kinda hate that you and Dad are splitting up, and I really hate that we’re selling the house,” Trent said.

  “But we get it,” FJ said in an octave slightly too high to be truthful. “I mean, what choice do we really have?”

  We walked in silence past Macy’s, Things Remembered, and PacSun while I fought the urge to cry and the boys thought whatever else they were thinking but weren’t willing to say.

  “You okay, Mom?” FJ finally asked as we exited the doors to the north garage.

  “Fine,” I said, even though I wasn’t.

  I was even less fine when I reached my car.

  _____

  Eloise handed me a neon green sticky note. “This was on your windshield.”

  Clearly she’d already shared it with Joyce, Gerald, and Barb, who all seemed frozen in place, their eyes huge and awaiting my reaction.

  Joyce’s face was the Botoxed equivalent of a terrified question mark.

  I read the handwritten, all-caps message and knew there could be no doubt it was intended for me:

&nb
sp; I’M STILL ALIVE, BUT IF PUSH COMES TO SHOVE AGAIN, SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT NOT BE.

  SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

  30. Yearly US spending on pet supplies exceeds $50 billion! Shop smart for your pet by comparison shopping and checking out the web for manufacturer’s discounts, weekly deals, and printable coupons. And don’t forget online auction sites for deals on durable pet supplies like beds, carriers, toys, and the like.

  seventeen

  I stood beside Detective McClarkey as one officer dusted for prints and another dropped the Post-it into an evidence bag. Never mind that pretty much everyone in the Michaels family had already handled the note.

  “And you say you got that email from this CC person, when?” he asked.

  “Yesterday,” I said, scrolling through my phone until I located the email and handed it to him to see. “Exactly forty-five minutes after I got home from the police station.”

  “All’s well that ends well,” the detective repeated, reading the message.

  Gerald nodded in seeming agreement.

  “I told you that CC person was dangerous,” Joyce said.

  With my car currently at the center of a CSI investigation, any hopes I’d had of speaking to Detective McClarkey out of the earshot of an opinionated audience vanished. I’d barely been able to convince Joyce that a discreet call to the police station was preferable to dialing 911 and having the police cars arrive with sirens a-blazin’. There was no convincing anyone (particularly Eloise, who insisted that none of them were going to leave my side) that it really was okay to squish any, much less all eight of them, into the rental car that seated five and go on home.